I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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