I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
