Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
