The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
