my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
false alarm, still single
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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