I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
