Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
