Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
