Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
