3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
