i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
