Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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