i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
