one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
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If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
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My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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