Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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