i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
