went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
