If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
