I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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