imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
