Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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