ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
