Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
