I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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