watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
