dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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