i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Blood and glitter go together right?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
