Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
