Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
