I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
