I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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