I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
