you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
