"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
