i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The beer is more important than you right now.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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