I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
