my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
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My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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