guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
