Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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