I can text with my tongue
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
