DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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