Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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