We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
