I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How does one acquire holy water?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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