I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
