Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
