Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
