She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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