hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
