Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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