if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
