Im at strip club and am horny
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
