Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
