I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
