My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
