my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
