Heybabeimwearingurpanties
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
