kristin has been a bad kristin
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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