Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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