guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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