sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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