My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
